I am surrounded by women. I teach to girls, I judge female pole dancers on the competitions, most of my colleagues in both dance and television world are women, and then I come home to my wife and daughter. This world is fascinating, but at the same time extremely mysterious and scary for me. I watch this secret circle and understand that I will never be allowed to get inside and understand the language used there.
One of the most disturbing topics that is blooming around me every time I enter a class or get to the dinner surrounded by beautiful women is weight. There are two types of girls – the ones, who want to loose weight and the ones who want to gain weight. That`s it. I have never ever met a woman who was one hundred per cent positive she is gorgeous. Yes, some claim they are, but if you get to know them better, sooner or later the Pandora box gets opened and millions of unsecurities and stereotypes crawl out from it.
I want to understand why is it happening, because I want my daughter to be happy. I want to find this thin line between bringing her up poised and with healthy high self-esteem and at the same time sane and fair opinion about herself, her virtues and weaknesses. I have asked my wife, the most beautiful woman I have ever met and the one loosing her weight, gaining muscles, loosing muscles, dreaming of boobs, hating the boobs etc. since the day I`ve met her. After talking to her, several psychologists working on dating shows, many of female friends, I have made several conclusions. Why women are not satisfies with themselves?
- Their parents are too demanding or ignorant. I am not talking about parents who call their daughters ugly, fat, too skinny etc. We are talking about hidden aggression towards the girls. You can`t compare your child to anyone else, even if you want to say your child is better. The second you tell: “Hey, Susie, you look much better than Jessy, because Jessy is much bigger than you.” Your ‘Susie’ will remember not only the fact she is better, but the fact that if you are bigger, you are worse. In case she gains some weight later, her logic will go that way – I got big, this is bad. Unless people are willingly competing, you can`t compare them to one another. You have no right to do that. The other problem is that some parents ignore their children. The girl thinks she is too skinny, not curvy enough, and tries to talk to her mother. The mother knows (she is an adult, she has life experience), that a body needs time to grow and develop. It seems so obvious for a grown-up that she doesn`t want to waste time explaining this. The child is left alone with media and friends, and the second problem comes in.
- Media, especially social media. If before Facebook and Instagram, there was at least some control on the materials proposed, now it`s a media jungle. People spend time and fortune to create the life that doesn`t exist. Several days ago I walked past the Barcelona Port, and there was a Ferrari car with a sign: ‘For rent! Only 50 euros per hour! (feel yourself a VIP, perfect for your Instagram)’. This was the best marketing possible. Now you don`t even have to pay a fortune to live the life you dream about. You just rent a Ferrari, post a picture, read the comments – and hey! You are practically a Beyonce. The same happens with the body images. Half an hour in the Photoshop, and that`s it, you are an Instagram model, the new definition of perfection. Nobody cares that the girl from your picture doesn`t even exist, because you look different in reality. Reality doesn`t matter these days, likes do.
- Impossible is possible (not). You have to remember, sometimes impossible is impossible. If you are not high enough to be next Naomi Campbell, then you are not high enough. The funny thing is that in the male world, it is considered the perfect excuse. I would love to, but it`s impossible. However, in the female world, you have to try or die trying. Try to evaluate your body honestly. You can work on it, but eating one yogurt a day for the rest of your life is not an option, it`s not worth it, whatever media says.
The funny and sad thing is that fashion changes. Ten years ago you were supposed to weight 40 kilograms and look as if you have been sniffing cocaine for five days straight without a break for a meal. Then suddenly you have to have tiny waist, big booty and milky breasts. And everybody seems to have lost their memory and claim this standard of beauty existed forever and will last forever. As my wife once told me – she was doing sports for her whole life and her beautiful shapes always were considered “a problem”. Now when she walks into the gym she gets surrounded by girls and coaches storming her with questions of how she has achieved “a dreambody”. I personally have been asked if my wife has had a buttocks surgery.
Dear girls, dear women, please, remember, if you want to look a certain way for men to like you, relax. Men are different, their tastes are different. Normal men don`t know what a cellulite is, and boobies are perfect just because they exist. It`s attractive, when a woman is fun, kind, determined, smart. It is charming when she takes care of herself, has her goals and achieves them. The sexiest thing is a woman who knows her body and what to do with it. For ANY man the perfect body is a fit body. By ‘fit’ I don`t necessarily mean super skinny and muscly, I mean the healthy, balanced body, whatever the weight, nice proportions are definitely a plus. If you are naturally skinny, it doesn`t mean you can ignore sport. If you don`t have high metabolism, it doesn`t mean you have to keep a certain (low) weight. You have to work on what you have, take care of yourself, keep your energy up, live longer, stay young and cheerful.
If you want to look a certain way for other women, relax also. If women tell you nasty things, they are jealous. Sometimes, they may be jealous even of the fact that you are not perfect (unlike them), but you are happy. I have accidently (of course) looked at the report from the XXL party (that`s a popular male magazine, if you don`t know), and there was a picture of two girls on the pole with about three hundred comments. One of them was curvy, another model skinny, both gorgeous. All comments from women were disgraceful. The curvy girl was called fat, they pointed out all the imperfection of her skin, remembered all the big animals they knew. The skinny girl was called the victim of a Nazi camp, skeleton, etc. However all the men said they would love to meet one or another girl. Don`t read the comment, just don`t. If they are on your video or photo, delete them. People, especially women insulting other women, are begging for attention and compassion. If you don`t have time to work as psychologist for them, ignore.
You have to look a certain way for yourself. Skinny doesn`t equals beautiful. Curvy doesn`t equals beautiful. Happy is beautiful, healthy is beautiful, alive is beautiful.
And now I turn off the man in me and turn on a pole dance instructor. Pole dance is a perfect sport for achieving the body you want.
If you want to loose weight:
- Don`t eat two hours before the training (but eat some food with high proteins two-three hours before!) and one hour after the training.
- Drink a lot of water before and after the training, but don`t drink any during the training.
- Try to go up and down the pole at least ten times during the training (try to do all the tricks higher on the pole).
If you want to gain weight and muscles:
- Choose three-four tricks or exercises and train only them during your session, repeat each trick at least ten-twelve times.
- Add more grains, nuts and fruits to your diet.
If you see that your shoulders are getting bigger, balance them with working on the lower part of your body:
- Add at least fifty squats to each warm-up.
- When you work on your abs, lifts, handsprings, deadlifts, put some weights (or put on the high-heels) on your ankles. It will also help you gain the lightness in execution of difficult tricks.
If you feel that your lower part of the body is weighting you down:
- Work on the grips and different techniques. It will allow you gain more muscles in you shoulders and back and find the best way to get into the trick personally for you.
- Don`t ignore squats and add at least fifty push-up to your warm-up.
Generally, just to be that ‘perfect woman’, try to do more walking, ignore the elevators, turn off your phone, make all the meals the real event – creative, lasting for at least an hour, with people you care about. Then you will look beautiful, healthy, blooming, bursting with life and energy.
Why no water during training?Kim Saturday, 17 September 2016 11:47 Comment Link
Alex!!! Just wanted to say that i love you!!!Misty Saturday, 17 September 2016 20:07 Comment Link
If you are doing intense trainings it is actually very dangerous to drink water. There are lots of articles about it, just google sth like "water training blood pressure". If you have regular trainings, like most pole dancers, and you want to lose weight, drink before and after. You can't die because of 1-2 hours without water. Your body will start taking liquid out of the fat.Alex Sunday, 18 September 2016 06:52 Comment Link
Thanks (probably white) dude for telling me to relax about my body. Thanks for also telling me what men want in a body and what's a great body. I think you started out with good intentions and then did what makes things worse. Told us how our bodies should be.Lea Sunday, 18 September 2016 13:48 Comment Link